Acceptance is The First Step of Transformation.

The status quo of forcing and imposing change in organizations can only be transcended by leadership first accepting what “already is”. Acceptance is the first step of transformation. Then you can invite and inspire.

Making a positive change first requires that we embrace our genuine selves. It is the great paradox of change that sometimes the most effective adjustments occur by accepting what already is. This is certainly something that I have struggled to embrace throughout my life.

Humans have a fascinating relationship with change. There is no entity in the world that has not witnessed and experienced growth or decline. While we may ride change like the current of the ocean, we often resist it and actively fight hard against it, usually out of fear. The strange fact is that we often resist change even when we know that it will likely bring us better outcomes in the long run. There is something about the familiarity and comfort of now that causes the human mind to push back against any threat of change, whether it be good or bad.

As digital leaders, we support a whole industry of professional change agents dedicated to showing us how to improve our organization and business practices.

On an individual level, of course, change is at the very heart of personal and professional development.

Without change, we can’t grow, we can’t learn, and we can’t improve the quality of our lives or the lives of those around us.

When I was ten years old, my family was torn apart and separated by the civil war in Yugoslavia. My father spent 18 months in three different concentration camps across Bosnia. By the time he was released, he was sick of every sight in front of him and was desperate to leave the Balkans. He got drunk one night with his friends and they decided to head to Belgrade the next day in order to apply for visas. He applied to Denmark, Germany, Canada, the United States, and Australia. Perhaps my father accepted what already is. 

My younger sister loved the idea of living somewhere new. I did not share her unrivalled enthusiasm. I was afraid of the thought of having to learn a new language, making new friends, and getting used to a very different way of life. I was afraid of change. Would my friends see me as a deserter? I was conflicted. Part of me wanted to experience a change from my life just outside Sarajevo during wartime, as it brought both misery and fun in equal abundance. While the living conditions were terrible, it did bring me joy that schools were cancelled most days due to tank shellings. Perhaps a change was better for my education as well as my wellbeing.

We all want to change. No matter how big or small, how seemingly life-changing or insignificant, we all have parts of our lives that are unhappy. And yet we resist change more often than not, no matter our true and underlying desires.

Change, for me, was a matter of new identity. I knew who I was, but I didn’t know who I was going to be. I imagined it was going to be a fantastic adventure wherever we went, and yet I felt a sense of comfort being where I was. There was an inner fight between who I was and who I could become. 

As I got into coaching and organizational transformation many years later, I realized that change does not take place by insight, interpretation, coercion, or persuasion. Rather, change can occur when a person abandons, at least for the moment, what they would like to become and attempts to be what they are.

In other words, the possibility for real change opens up when the individual or organization stops trying to become what they are not and fully acknowledges what they are. This can be a hard concept to wrap your head around, which is why many of us have such fierce internal battles over change.

Many of my clients seeking change are in conflict with at least two internal or external opposing sides, the force for change and the force for comfort and consistency. Caught between what should be and what is, yet never fully identifying with either, the client is paralyzed between competing commitments. One of the first things that I do when I’m working with new clients is to ask them to make a sincere effort to be fully invested in the opposing sides, one at a time, with awareness and without judgment.

First, the point of view and values of the current “what is” situation are sincerely explored and, from the inside, the client shifts their mindset to what it should be. In doing so, the client may simply live in the moment.

If the client is to be able to truly stand outside the current situation, they must risk identifying with the opposing point of view or views. In other words, and here lies the paradox, to be able to change, a client has to want to change badly enough that they are willing to approach problems in a radically different way by identifying with the opposing perspective. When this happens, opposite differentiations melt into creative irrelevance, fresh possibilities emerge, and the client is free to step into an entirely new “what is.”

Accepting the current “what is” becomes the source of transformation. Leadership starts from within, and if you don’t understand and acknowledge what lies within, how can you make the necessary changes to bridge gaps between the leader you are now and the leader you strive to be?

Look at your current life or business now. What are you resisting? Identify it, name it… then accept it. Accept who you are right now, including your flaws, your contradictions, and your inconsistencies. Accept your resistance. Accept you. Accepting is different than liking or agreeing, it just means you are willing to confirm the reality in which you live. Acceptance is the first step of transformation. And when you transform, your beliefs and views evolve, and you grow.